OVERCOMING ADHD: AWARENESS IS THE GREATEST VIRTUE

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CHAPTER 5: OVERCOMING ADHD:

AWARENESS IS THE GREATEST VIRTUE

           Most of the humor that makes me laugh is rude clever jokes: dark humor, but as long as there is an aspect of intelligence in a joke, then I can laugh with an innocent one as well. There is a knock, knock joke that is all about Vedanta that was quite harmless, but clever, so it made me do just that:

First, I ask someone who is familiar with Vedanta, “Knock, knock?”

“Who’s there?” The subject would respond,

and that is when I would just stand there in silence and not say anything back to them. After a little bit, if they were familiar with Vedanta, they would begin to laugh really hard. By not responding in anyway, I was telling them without saying anything that there is nobody home, or better yet Nothing is even there to begin with!

We are all considered empty in Vedanta. At your core we are just a Pure Creative Nothingness, but it isn’t a “Nothing” that doesn’t exist. It is a “Nothing” because there are no words for it. It is “no thing.” It is non-dual. In modern science we are considered an empirical world of duality and relativity. Those concepts of both relativity and duality stem from the Vedic Scriptures which is the Maya, and they still hold true to this very day. Relativity means empirical truth is relative based on an individual’s motion and perspective or perception. With duality, it means that everything that we can detect in this physical world with our senses has an opposite: Hot and cold, bitter and sweet, pleasure and pain, firm and soft, bright and dark, etcetera…, and for something to be experienced with the senses it must have an opposite. What we all are at in our core in Vedanta is that Creative Consciousness, or the Atman. This is something that cannot be expressed in words because it is beyond “physical” reality. It is non-dual. It is Something that has no opposite so it can’t be detected with our senses. With Vedanta, we are all One in this perfect non-duality. It is our misunderstanding and ignorance we are stuck in by taking this empirical world of relativity and duality to be the truth. Taking the empirical world to be the truth and identifying as our bodies and our minds, or ego, is the cause of all our problems.

This “Nothingness,” or Atman, in our core is one with the Brahman. Brahman is everything, for everything is nothing but Consciousness in Vedanta. This is expressed as the Via Negative in both the East and the West when it comes to metaphysical descriptions of God. The Via Negative is defined as: “it is better to talk about what God is not rather than what God is.” This is because God, or the Ultimate Reality, can’t be described in words. God cannot truly be understood with a limited, subjective, relative mind. It is also by trying to experience God, or the Brahman, I have been able to completely overcome my ADHD. I have overcome my ADHD with a daily practice of Trataka: single pointed concentration meditation.

The meditation in this chapter is my main practice, which I do for forty-five minutes every sing day, and is necessary the steppingstone for me in all my psychiatric issues that I address throughout the rest of this book. I am not encouraging anyone to get off any psych medications, and I am not a doctor, but to me science and religion are one when both are understood correctly. I must take medication for my epilepsy and schizoaffective-bipolar disorder every day as well, yet meditation has gotten me off lots of medications and has made all the difference when medication did not do anything for any of my diagnosis, like ADHD.

The daily meditation is my key practice to even dealing with my psychosis, mania, and autism through developing my neuropathways. If anyone is going to overcome anything, they first must be able to be aware of what that exact issue is and acknowledge it, and if anyone wants more awareness, daily meditation is the best practice to achieve that.

First, I would like to note that none of the pharmaceutical ADHD medications have ever done anything for me whatsoever. In fact, most medications I have tried, and I have tried almost every psychiatric medication and anti-convulsant there is in the PDR when I was on SSDI, have done nothing for me. Most medications do not work for me because I have this organic brain disorder: heterotopic gray matter, that I talked about in the Power of Inaction.

What I am going to be focusing on in this chapter is how anyone with ADHD can overcome their disorder through dedication of daily meditation. This daily practice trains one’s brain to focus and gets them to realize when they aren’t paying attention so that they can train their brain to refocus. Trataka is about having complete control over your mind so anyone can stay focused when they want to. This is neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity means that we all have the ability develop our minds daily, and nobody is born with an “IQ”. This Maya (Empirical world) is constantly shifting, and our brains are meant to adapt to that shift. By “IQ” I mean social and intellectual intelligence, not just on a scale from zero to one-hundred-eighty. Because IQ tests are very controversial as a form of measuring intelligence.

I learned how to read in the year 2007 at the age of 29, as I explained that in the chapter titled A Glimmer of Hope, at the Linda Mood Bell program. Linda Mood Bell was all about the neuroplasticity of the human brain by developing and exercising parts of the brain that were underdeveloped specifically for people with learning disabilities. Linda Mood Bell was about increasing oxygen flow to those parts and developing them through repetitious daily exercises. Doing my own research, I was able to conclude that I can exercise lots of different parts of my brain to increase my cognition, and this takes the daily practices that I have laid out in the different chapters of this book. I will never be done with these practices either because I can always develop my brain and my theories.

I have every learning disability there is, and I would argue that my dyslexia was not my biggest problem when it came to reading. Sure, not being able to completely interpret symbols easily makes reading very difficult, especially when your d’s, p’s and b’s all look the same. When someone is dyslexic, they have parts of the brain that are over developed, and parts of the brain that are underdeveloped, and those parts of the brain have a hard time communicating with each other. This executive dysfunction causes all kinds of problems when trying to comprehend words on a page. I also do not think in pictures. I have what is called Aphantasia, which made reading even more difficult, because I had to process what is on the page, and I couldn’t draw any pictures in my mind with the words I was reading, which is what they have students try to do when they are learning how to read in the Linda Mood Bell program. Dyslexia also causes all kinds of issues with writing, but with enough effort that can be overcome so long as anyone is willing to read and write every single day.

The biggest problem I had when it came to reading was paying attention to what I was on the page. I just couldn’t pay attention because of my ADHD, and none of the drugs they gave me to focus worked at all for me either like I said. After I learned how to process the symbols on the page, I spent my time reading lots of books without understanding much. I read lots of books only being able to understand the basic premises that were reiterated repeatedly throughout. This was like words that might stand out because they are abnormal to daily language, or just the basic idea of the book.

The problem was that when I read a book, a word on the page would trigger a different thought, so I’d be thinking of something completely different while I was reading. While I was reading, I was not even aware I wasn’t paying attention. The biggest problem with ADHD is that people with this disorder are not even aware that they are not paying attention. They do not have that capacity to realize they are not paying attention until after the task is over.

Today I can read and comprehend anything in English! I have taken four graduate courses at SFSU in philosophy, and if I can read what I read one semester: Wilfred Sellars, Pseudo-Dionysius, Plotinus, and Robert B. Brandom, then I can read anything in English. One of the Doctors in our philosophy department had transcribed Wilfred Sellars’ lectures into a book.  He said it took him 10 years to completely comprehend Wilfred Sellars. I wrote my final paper refuting Sellars, and the professor who read it said it was well done and grammatically sound. Reading those materials, and writing a good paper, proves to me I can read anything in English, and the key for me was the need to be able to pay attention to every single word on the page and comprehend it.

Samadhi is the Sanskrit term that one tries to achieve in Vedanta, and Samadhi is a state of absolute concentration when one realizes the Atman is united with the Brahman within. Samadhi is about having complete control over your mind. It’s a state of Pure Consciousness. All thoughts and vasanas are removed when one is in a state of Samadhi. Samadhi is about the thinning of the mind to a state of absolute awareness. I have not achieved this yet, but it is my goal, and in pursuing this goal it has allowed me to overcome my ADHD.

There is a Buddhist chant I like a lot that is relevant to this: “Emptiness is nothingness, and nothingness is emptiness.” That is what I try to get to when I meditate. That Nothing!

 My ADHD is what my zero-impulse control is all about that they diagnosed me with on the Neuropsychiatric evaluation from UCSF. It is also because I meditate daily, I have developed some level of impulse control. People can say or do things to me today that I don’t have to respond to. I am just now getting to the point where I do not fire back immediately when I am talking to anyone. I can pause and not say anything at all. Zero impulse control is an issue that people with autism and ADHD have as well. I couldn’t talk to people without interrupting them. I would cut off their sentences thinking they were finished when they weren’t because I just needed to respond to every single idea that came out of someone’s mouth. People took it as rude, and I was oblivious to it. Self-control is one of the many blessings I have developed through meditation.

When I first tried meditating, I would sit cross legged in a Zendo on a cushion, but my legs would fall asleep, and my spine would get irritated. So, I switched to a chair, but focusing on my posture in a chair would drive me crazy as well. I realized my mind was too cluttered to even begin. I just got so restless. These difficulties made me give up for years. Especially because I wanted to fit in with the rest of the people meditating. I drove myself crazy even trying! As Arjuna says to Krishna in the Gita:

 “The mind is fickle O’ Krishna. It is impetus, powerful restless. I feel like restraint of the mind is that of controlling the wind.”

This is how difficult meditation is even for people without attention issues. What I truly had to do was give up on posture and the way I was sitting and just focus on my mind, or the opening of my Third Eye. As Kishna replies:

“The mind fickle and hard to subdue no doubt O’ mighty armed one, but O’ son of Kunti, by practice, and by exercise of dispassion it can be brought under control.”

Dispassion which is the Vairagya in Sanskrit that I wrote in The Power of Inaction. Vairagya is about giving up our desires.

ADHD is usually associated with there not being high enough dopamine in the brain. This is proven when the people who are suffering are given Ritalin. Ritalin is a medication that is a speed which has been proven to boost dopamine in the brain. When people with ADHD are given these medications, in appropriate small doses, it calms them down and allows them to focus. This is one of the things that proves that ADHD is associated with a lack of dopamine in the brain. But there are other reports of people with ADHD having too much dopamine in the brain. ADHD is associated with hyperactivity as well, or hypomania, and giving a Ritalin would just make it worse for some because these people with hypomania. It makes them speedy. When people struggle with psychosis, and they are given any type of speed, it makes them more psychotic. With me, I had such a high tolerance to all drugs that Ritalin did nothing after two doses anyways. It was impossible for me to really tell what my issues were when it came to the ADHD.

I believe the problem with my ADHD is too much dopamine in certain parts of my brain, and too little in others. This is because the medications that work best for my mania and psychosis block dopamine from getting too high, like Saphris and Geodon. Both those medications are antipsychotics. Saphris worked great and it is a D2 dopamine blocker. Too much dopamine is known to cause bipolar type 1, schizophrenia, and schizoaffective disorders, yet because my brain is so complex doctors have speculated that I have either bipolar type 1 or schizoaffective bipolar type. These dopamine blockers are also medications which have very high seizure rates, like Zyprexa. It is abnormal, but dopamine blockers with high seizure rates actually help my seizures. This helping my seizures shows me that my problem is an over production of dopamine at least in certain areas of my brain. Zyprexa has a .475% chance of causing a seizure, but it made my seizures better. What that means is around four to five people out of every one-thousandth who try Zyprexa will have a seizure. Zyprexa has the highest seizure rate out of any antipsychotic out there, so Paul Garcia MD, my neurologist, was dubious to put me on it, but it helping my epilepsy was nothing he had ever seen before either; even being head of epileptology at UCSF. But I have had lots of atypical reactions to medications my doctors have never seen, which has also made it very difficult to get any treatment, but I am a firm believer in the mental exercises we can all use in such books as the Bhagavad Gita and I Am That because they are meant for all humanity.

As a child, I hardly slept at all, and my mother never really knew why. I was just always awake at 4:00 o’clock in the morning watching the test patterns waiting for cartoons. I still do not sleep more than five hours a night, even on a weekend when I do not have to work. I am not tired at all with this limited sleep, so I conclude I have too much dopamine in at least parts of my brain, but it could be that my D2 dopamine receptor cites are too high and the D1 and D3 are too low because parts of my brain are underdeveloped as well.

It is scientifically proven that meditation increases anyone’s capacity for concentration. This proof is what got me to give it a daily effort. It is slow. It takes a long time too. I have been doing it for ten years now and my attention span is still increasing. I read reports on meditation and concentration, so I thought to myself: “maybe I could try lying down in bed and just putting all my focus on my mind when I meditate?” Someone told me recently that meditating lying down it call Shavasana, or the death pose. That is what I did, and it worked!

What I do every day now is I lay down in a comfortable position, then try put all my focus on one single thought in my mind for forty-five minutes. The only thing I truly know is what I focus on. Just two words: “I Am.” In my equation (((T>B)>F)>A), or I direct my thoughts to control my brain states, which control feelings, leading to the best actions. So, for forty-five-minutes of my day I only do my best to focus on the words: “I Am,” or just the T. I neglect all other thoughts except “I Am:” ~T, which is the dispassion (Vairagya).

As Nisargadatta states “I Am” is the only thing we can be certain of. Not being able to keep my mind focused on the words “I Am” when I began, showed me how completely powerless I was over my whole life! In fact, everyone who meditates realizes they have no control over their mind when they begin. Not having control over a cluttered mind is why lots of people don’t like meditating, especially Trataka.

This lack of control over one’s thoughts is the consensus I have gotten from everyone who tries single pointed concentration meditation (Trataka). I have seen some people try meditation once, then just give up because they don’t like seeing this powerlessness within themselves. This lack of control just freaks them out, but what I have learned is only by admitting I am completely powerless have I been able to get any type of control. That is something I learned from different 12-Step groups, and any 12-Step group is just a cognitive behavioral therapy. People are developing their brains by changing their thinking and their actions through daily exercise as well.

When I first started, I would lay down with my white noise app listening to rain drops on a timer. I would realize towards the end I was not able concentrate in any way. My mind would just go off in all different types of directions about things that popped into my head. My mind was extremely fast and chaotic! It took me months to even realize I was not paying attention!

Meditation has also shown me everything that I always took as important, and everything that controlled me because it showed me what I was thinking. I was quite oblivious to what I was thinking for most of my life until I started to meditate daily! Now I always know what I am thinking because of Trataka. Having completely zero control over my thoughts and how I felt about those thoughts was “mind” boggling when we are all living by this illusion of “free will!” This complete lack of control over our thinking is all our insanity!

As was stated in the previous chapter Sigmund Freud said 90% of the mind is subconscious and Descartes said when you meditate you can look at your own mind from any angle. Well, I found both those concepts in the ancient scripture of the Vedas, and if anyone wants to see how little control they truly have, be them ADHD or not, sit in silence and try and just keep one thought in your head: “I Am.” Try to control both the thoughts you have in your mind and how you feel about them. It is what we feel about what we think that controls our actions. You will quickly realize that you have none when you being!

Meditation has shown me that the only thing I get a universal, panoptical, and panoramic view of is my own mind. That is where the ~T comes up in this single pointed concentration meditation (Trataka). The ~ is the negation sign that tells me to gently disregard any thoughts that come up besides the “I Am.” All kinds of thoughts would rise when I began, and I told you I am not in a state of Samadhi, so they still do. I have just lessened them dramatically, and I am always aware of what I am thinking throughout my day today. My mind is much more tranquil because I have thinned it. It is the best it has ever been, and I am getting more and  more control the more I do it. What I learned to say to myself in the beginning was: “Who cares?,” “I am powerless,” or as the Beatles song goes “let it be,” and when my mind would wander, I would gently refocus. Constantly negating of all other thoughts and gently refocusing my thinking to the words “I Am” has allowed me to be able to pay attention with ease these days. Now I can pay attention to anything without medication.

It is important not to struggle when you notice yourself not paying attention. Just gently refocus your mind on the words “I Am.” Never get upset with yourself, and don’t get frustrated, always brining your mind back to the “I Am.” Then when you start being able to focus, see if you can gently let go of the “I Am” and seep into what you truly are: Consciousness. I have only achieved it twice, but I found both times I was hyper-focused throughout the day. It is ok to be terrible at this, especially at first. I am still terrible at it at times. Training your brain to focus easily is the point, but it takes time. You will develop your brain to increase your attention span even if you don’t have ADHD.

What I try to do in this book is to control my chaotic brain states through single pointed concentration meditation (Trataka): or: (T>B). The more I do it the easier it gets. I find I get these quantum bumps of awareness. I will be function at the same level of attention for a while and then the next day I realize “Oh, I am paying attention even better and easier now.” That is why it is about repetition.

I have learned so much about who I am and what controls me by just lying down trying to focus on what I am at my core through Shavasana! I realized very quickly that I could not just empty my mind out so easily: ~T. I had a Buddhist Monk tell me she found it impossible to empty her mind completely and she does not even have eight different brain states that her brain is constantly jumping between. I would argue that if I can do it, so can a Buddhist Monk who tries it this way. She told me the way she meditated, and it was more of just not interacting with her thoughts and letting them pass by. But the way I train my brain is all about rewiring it. It is about directing my reality through my thinking. It is about having complete control over my brain. It is an exercise that I learn to train my mind to do while I relax. That is why it is extremely important to just gently say “who cares?” “I am powerless,” or “let it be,” and redirect your mind.  So, progress is good, and being gentle with ourselves is extremely important when training our minds. Remember your reality is nothing but what you perceive, and your mind is nothing but imagination.

I would argue that most of what we all do is nothing but repetition. I have been in the rooms of recovery for over twenty-eight years now, which is where the term powerlessness comes from. I am trying not to cuss as much. I found that impossible to stop because people who have been in jail cells, on the streets, and did drugs their whole lives constantly cussed. It is very off-putting for lots of people in the average society. I have trained my brain not to cuss as much now through awareness. I have been developing my impulse control. I am doing my best to stop and not interrupt people, and it all gets easier the more I work at it. Just sit in silence and try and control your mind with Trataka. You will realize it will always go to the same places, and it will do it without your control. Most of what we think is just the same thing repeatedly and that is scientifically proven. This is why I constantly neglect so much of my thoughts: ~T. Most of all our thinking is just chaos and repetition and needs to be emptied out.  

There have been many times where I have been able to stare directly off into that “Creative Nothingness” that is referred to as the Brahman. That Creative Nothingness will be shown to all who try daily. It is amazing that so many of us are so blind to the one thing that we can look at from any angle: our own minds, and behind our minds is that Reality. Heraclitus, who was an Ancient Greek who had a lot in common with the Buddha, said it best, “You will never all your goings find the ends of the soul, though you traveled every path, so deep is its meaning.”

Sitting in silence; just focusing on the only thing you truly know, “I am,” and it will improve your awareness; awareness is the greatest virtue. Nothing changes for the better without awareness. If we cannot see what our problems are, we cannot do anything about them. Because I have gotten this awareness, I can read anything in English. I am completely aware when my mind drifts from the page when I’m reading, so I gently redirect my thinking back to the words. Reading and concentration get easier the more you do it, and you don’t need medication! I no longer worry about not being able to comprehend what is on the pages I am reading because I can understand writers like Wilfred Sellars and get an A in that class.

So, if you are having problems with ADHD, and medication is not working, or you do not want to be on any narcotics that damage brain tissue like Ritalin, then try daily meditation. I have met doctors who study ADHD who are completely opposed to the different forms of Ritalin because they are so harmful, so try meditating every day. Try Trataka in a comfortable position that works for you, where you will not fall asleep, but do this experiment with consistent daily dedication. If you do meditate every single day for forty-five minutes, I believe you can overcome your ADHD like I have. It takes a lot of time, but you can do it.

Manjushri is the Tibetan God of Wisdom, and He is also the God of Meditation for that very reason. Manjushri will cut through the cloud of fog in your mind with the Sword of Fire, which is what allows us to perceive Reality through the state of Samadhi. This is what I am shooting for. I want to be able to achieve a state of Samadhi. My hero is Nisargadatta Maharaj. He has achieved this state of divinity. With time and dedication anyone can learn to concentrate better and be able to stare off into that Infinite Creative Nothingness of the Universe. For as is stated in the Mandukya Upanishad “The mind is only brought under control by undepressed effort. It is like emptying the ocean drop by drop with a tip of a blade of kusa grass.” So, empty it: ~T!