In the chapter The Power of Inaction I state my equation for the solution to human behavior: ((T>B)>F)>A, or I put a focus on one thought to control my brain states. All of that brings about an awareness and control over my feelings, which understanding my feelings is what brings about better actions in my life. These better actions lead me to a more purposeful and happy life by developing of my neural pathways. Trataka, or single pointed concentration mediation, is a daily exercise I do to achieve this goal. The exact way I meditate is outlined in my chapter on ADHD. The progress has been slow but very, very fruitful, which is why I keep on rewriting this book. This whole book is about anyone being able to be consciously aware of all of their thinking, so anyone, who practices jnana yoga, can live a more positive and purposeful life. I’ve noticed all this only by combining silent meditation with the neurological testing I had done at UCSF.
I point out that we are all powerless over the thoughts that rise in all our minds and how we feel about them; therefore, human behavior is determined. If we are truly supposed to have free will, we would all be in control of both the thoughts that arise in our minds and how we feel about them. This is because it is what we feel about what we think that controls our actions. So, how are any of us supposed to have any free will if none of us have control over the thoughts that rise in our minds and how we feel about them? Especially if most of us are not even paying attention to 90% of what we think as both Sigmund Freud and Vedic scriptures tell us? Also, why would anyone take any action besides what they think best suits them in the moment? The problem is ignorance and understanding. We all have with problems with our behavior because of this. If there is such a thing as the power of “choice,” it is the ability to take any thought that rises in our minds as important or not, despite how that specific thought might make us feel, because it is these thoughts that rise in all our minds, and how we feel about them is what we are all truly powerless over. Being powerless over one’s thinking is an experiment anyone can prove to themselves. Just sit in silent meditation and try and drop your mind completely and not let one single thought arise! I infer that no beginner can! I’ve been doing this daily meditation daily forty-five minutes for the past ten years and I have only truly achieved it a couple of times.
This neglecting our thinking and the complete emptying of our minds is what led me to my other equation: ((~T>~B)>~F)>~A or neglecting any thought I have that causes me or another harm. This theory has led to an amazing difference in my life, and I even had a Vedantin describe this equation as Para vairagya: Supreme Detachment. He was telling me if I practiced this perfectly, then I’d be the one in “control” because I can take a step back from my mind and realize I am neither my body nor my mind, but that which witnesses!
I also do believe that anyone can overcome their ADHD as well as their anxiety this way, and they do not need to be on those specific types of medications because of the neuroplasticity of the human brain and how no one is born with an “IQ.” By “IQ” I am talking all types of cognition: social, emotional, and intellectual. The mind and brain are identical to me, and the brain is meant to constantly change with our environment because our environment is constantly shifting. I just sit in silence every day for forty-five minutes focusing on the only thing any of us can truly prove apodictically: existence. “I am” is the only thought that any of us can know with certainty. I strongly point out that this is the best way of overcoming ADHD, and it is a daily mental exercise that is not about immediate gratification. It is a slow patient practice that leads to gradual improvement, and my state of awareness continues to grow in these jumps, or quantum bumps, and so does all my cognitive function.
By quantum bumps I am referring to how a muon is created in a particle accelerator by slamming quantum particles together close to the speed of light. A Muon is a particle that is 207 times the mass of an electron with all the properties of an electron. This is what I mean by a quantum bump. Muons only last for a split second, but the awareness and brain function I have gotten from meditation continues to last, and it only gets better! It never goes away as long as I continue to practice what is in this book, which is my hope for anyone who is reading it. I am even with autism and epilepsy with the awareness I have gotten in this book!
I have an organic brain disorder which is caused by a Heterotopic Grey Matter that is adjacent to my right lateral ventricle and in my right frontal horn. I am speculating that my organic brain disorder is the cause of my ADHD, and that my ADHD is an organic brain disorder based on the congenital defects in my brain which also causes all the executive dysfunction and other brain states and disorders I have. What doctors are realizing more and more is that ADHD is just a mild form of Autism. ADHD and autism have a lot of overlapping symptoms such as being creative, neurodivergent, stimming and fidgeting, emotional dysregulation, as well as the ability to be hyper-focused in certain circumstances. I am hyper-focused when I am writing my own work, but when I am reading someone else’s writing I have had a very hard time being able to focus on the words, which was one of the reasons I was a functional illiterate until I was thirty years old!
I also have both ADHD and Dyslexia which means I am on the autism spectrum, but I have also been able to overcome a lot of my social abnormalities through the gaining of awareness based on my daily meditation practice. Even with my complex brain I can make progress with my autism.
A Heterotopic Grey Matter is a nerve everyone has had from early womb to early childhood development, and it migrates from the inner part of the brain to the outer part of the brain. They don’t know why it is there, but everybody has had one. It is just that bits of mine were left over in my brain and did not migrate out completely, yet only about 2% of the people that have epilepsy have what I have. This Heterotopic Grey Matter is what sends the electrical impulses, which are the seizures, throughout my brain causing all kinds of executive dysfunction. All a seizure is, is a surge of electricity in the brain. All our brains function off of is electricity, and in fact, all we are is nothing but electromagnetic energy and quantum particles. These surges of electricity, especially over time, can cause lots of brain dysfunction, which was in the previous chapters. The Heterotopic Grey Matter is also what boosts the dopamine in my brain. Dopamine is the main chemical we all have in our brain for thinking; so, if I truly have any diagnosis, I will say, I have epilepsy with a mild form of mild form of autism causing my schizoaffective bipolar disorder. The Heterotopic Grey Matter sending the electrical impulses throughout my brain is also what causes the other disorders. Even such as psychosis, mania, depression, and anxiety. The structural abnormalities are what give me this organic brain disorder, and organic brain disorders are known not to respond to well to medications, which I don’t. This is why I work on daily mental exercises that are outlined throughout this book. I infer that if it can work for a complex brain such as mine, then it can work for others. It is also part of the qualified nondualist approach that we are all just reflections of each other, or as Proclus would say “each one is an all and all are in each:” Identity in difference.
One of the things I am hypothesizing, because I have had so many seizures, is that the constant simple partial and partial complex seizures have brought on the different brain states that my mind is constantly experiencing. Every time I have a seizure the chemicals in my brain fluctuate and it changes the structure in my brain. Anytime anyone has a seizure the chemicals in their brain fluctuate. I am someone who used to have constant simple partial seizures throughout the day. A simple partial seizure is a seizure that someone has where they do not lose their consciousness, but it still sends a little surge of dopamine and other chemicals throughout their brain. It is not a very strong seizure, but there would be some days I would have 30 or 40 simple partial seizures in 15 minutes making me a little hypomanic, if not severally manic, because having so many would elevate dopamine in my brain causing the mania.
I am also speculating, with 99.9% of all human DNA being identical, that if ancient universal concepts can work for me, then they are work for anyone. Jnana Yoga and the neuroplasticity of the brain is what has improved my ADHD, depression, anxiety, and even my mania and psychosis. I have improved all my disorders by daily meditation. I am not telling anyone to stop taking their medication, or not to trust their doctor. I firmly believe in medication if it is needed, but for lots of people I have met, it does not work, and most of them did nothing for me except give me side effects. This meditation has given me so much awareness of myself and my behavior that it has worked for my “social IQ” as well, which is what autistic people suffer from: a social retardation, and just like John Nash, I suffered from retardation of intellect with the dopamine blockers and mood stabilizers the doctors gave me, and it is wonderful to be able to think clearly and not depend on such high doses of those medications.
I had a setback with this therapy that I came up for myself because I tried a very recent drug called Xcopri. I had an abnormal reaction to it like I have with other anticonvulsants that I have tried. Dilantin, Depakote, as well as the latest anticonvulsant Xcopri, all made my seizures worse! Xcopri made my seizure terrible, so I had to quit the THC and CBD I was taking and get back on Primidone, Geodon, Gabapentin, and Lamictal. I am stable on those medications now, but the Xcopri made my seizures so much worse than any medication I have ever tried! Xcopri made my seizures worse than when I was abusing drugs and alcohol! What Xcopri did was magnify my seizures to the effect that I had never had before. Before I was on Xcopri I was only having about one partial complex seizure a month with just a little THC and the CBD. I was also taking 1.75mg of Saphris for sleep because I just wouldn’t sleep much without it. I will point out that I do not drink or do any drugs that my doctors don’t approve of and have been sober nineteen and a half years now. I only take medication as prescribed, and my neurologist suggested I try the CBD and THC. I was only taking about 2mg of THC and CBD a day. I couldn’t even feel it. I do not even drink caffeine because caffeine is something which affects my seizures more than alcohol. I have also been told by every doctor I have talked to that caffeine, by far, is the most underrated drug there is. Any drug that is addictive to the brain can cause or magnify seizures for anyone. I would argue, most people have no idea how addictive caffeine truly is because it is so acceptable. I was having nocturnal grand mal seizures before I gave up caffeine too! Nocturnal grand mal seizures are very large ones that are tonic-clonic happening while one is sleeping, so their whole body is convulsing. But since I gave up caffeine, I do not have those either.
I have given up sugar now too because I was on Zyprexa for a while and didn’t want to become a diabetic. Diabetes is one of the main side effects from Zyprexa along with extreme weight gain. The average person gains sixty pounds on Zyprexa. I have only gained eight pounds while I was on Zyprexa because I gave up sugar. Since I’ve gotten off the Zyprexa I have lost those eight pounds too.
Xcopri was also making me intermix my sentences. When I was talking to people, I would try ask things like “How are you doing?” and it would come out “Doing are how you?” It would make me do that will all my verbal constructions that were coming out of my mouth. That is a type of executive dysfunction that is directly related to a seizure and when I started to have my mania is when I had two nocturnal grand mal seizures in one night! That is when I got back on the Primidone. I had no choice because of what the Xcopri did to my epilepsy. I am still suffering from the effects of the Xcopri to this day, but I still do the Trataka daily which helps everything, including lowering the dopamine levels with just a low dose of Geodon.
I am having light simple partial seizures these days. The only medication that ever stopped my seizure completely was Lamictal and Primidone together, but I was in the middle of my addiction at the time, so my seizures came back because I couldn’t stay sober. I really like just being on a small dose of THC and CBD gummy. Just 2mg a day. I couldn’t even feel it, but because of the Xcopri I had to get off of that and back on the Lamictal, Primidone, Gabapentin, and Geodon. It is another reason I am rewriting this book.
I speculate that all our brains are considered “plastic,” so with this speculation we can all control the states of our brains through the focusing of our thoughts daily on the only thing any of us can take for certain: “I Am.” My ADHD is more of a hypomania at least in some neurotransmitters because of my elevated dopamine levels, but I would also argue that parts of my brain are quite underdeveloped, which is what autism is.
Trataka has been amazing for my autism. It has given me awareness over all my behavior. Because I could be aware of that behavior, I have been able to put a focus on developing those parts of my brain that need social improvement. I am someone who didn’t understand what it meant to say please and thank you. I didn’t think I was being rude. I just never understood it. I didn’t need people to thank me for anything I did. If I did something for someone, I just felt like I needed to do it. I wasn’t looking for their recognition for it, but something meditating taught me, is lots of people want that recognition. They want you to be polite. I didn’t think I wasn’t being polite but lots of people care about being thanked for small things. It was my meditation that showed me how much people thank each other for little things like being served coffee at a coffee shop. Now when I order food or caffeine free tea I say thank you when it is brought to me. I see a difference in their response.
I work in accounting, and my boss was noticing my emails. He said, “Justin why can’t you say please when you are requesting something from someone in your email?” I didn’t see the point. So, I started to write my emails in an awkward way. I would have too many pleases in them. I would write, “Mildred, can you please tell me why this guest doesn’t have a credit card? Please tell me that would you please?” Then, not too long after that my boss was laughing at me telling me I was using too many pleases. Since then, I took all the extra ones out and I only use one please, but I truly didn’t understand it. I wasn’t trying to be rude. I just didn’t understand “why?” In the past people would get angry at me for being rude, then I would lash out at them because they were angry at me and I would be extremely rude back like I was in my book A Vicious Cycle. Everything in my life was just a reaction. Just like I would argue it is with everyone, but the ability to pause is an amazing gift! I can pause today and examine my thinking not letting my emotions control me!
With that lack of impulse control came all other kinds of issue people took as rude. I can see them today. I had no ability to let someone finish a sentence before I would respond and talk over them. I think extremely quickly and am good at arguing because of this, but one of my issues is I turn every conversation I have with someone either into a debate or a lecture. I am still working on this extremely hard, but I never had the ability to even see it before, and now I am pausing and letting people finish their sentences before I just cut them off. That in itself is amazing to me. I still have a really hard time doing this.
I have had lots of people tell me that I talked too much. I get my hair cut from a Chinese lady who has a child on the autism spectrum. She told me “you talk just like my son. You can’t stop talking. My son is so crazy. He can’t stop talking.” Her son had lots of behavioral issues too. He was addicted to his iPad and wouldn’t behave in school. He is an extremely intelligent little kid, but his mother would tell him, “You have two ears and one mouth. You need to listen more.” She told me his response was “Mommy, I have two lungs and one heart! You tell me which one is more important?” and she had no response. That was like me I had to argue with everyone and I couldn’t stop talking. Because of my mediation I have slowed down a lot and one day I just went through another quantum bump of reality; I stopped talking so much. I can’t explain it, but I just go through these functions in my brain where one day things get better just like my ability to pay attention to the words on a page! I know my behavior has gotten better because people tell me all the time!
One day when I was getting my hair cut ad she asked me, “what happened to you? You aren’t talking so much? What is going on?” I told her it was because of my meditation practice. She was wishing her son could do this, but I told her he would have to be older before he could make a conscious effort to do what is outlined in this book.
Something I have noticed with other autistic people is how loud they talk. I have seen some that shout while they are having just a regular conversation. It is one of the reasons that I am a good public speaker is I project my voice, but when having a basic conversation with people it is extremely off putting. I have been able to tone down the volume of my voice because I am aware of it today. It is all awareness when it comes to developing these neurons in my brain. I make a conscious decision to practice all of these all throughout every day. Nobody is born with an “IQ!” No matter who you are you can always develop your brain!
I am someone who also speaks too fast for people. I fire back much faster than most can process. It is why I have had several psychiatrists get frustrated with me because if I disagree with them, I give them response after response faster than they can process it. It is why I dropped out of graduate school. I had no ability not to correct my professor in front of the class. He was screaming at me in the Dean’s Office because every time I disagreed with him, I would quote him someone verbatim faster than he could process it! The ability to slow down when I talk to people, or not say anything at all, has been a conscious “choice” I have only gotten through the awareness gifted by Trataka.
Years ago, when I was working at Radio Shack back in the late 90s, all the kids that worked at the Tower Records in the same building above called me “the crazy guy at Radio Shack” because I was always arguing with myself out loud. I could not see how off putting it was to people, but I think in words and need to process stuff out loud. It has been very helpful to see how off putting this is for people. I had always done that too. Today, I am able to make a conscious effort to keep my mouth closed and not do hand gestures when I am thinking. I am always arguing about the nature of reality or politics in my head today and because of meditation I am always aware of what I am contemplating in every corner of my mind – including my owe reaction to the world! That was impossible for me to do before! I have made a conscious choice not to argue out loud in front of people. They take you as “crazy” when you do. Meditation is something I would recommend for any autistic or awkward individual who cannot see their own behavior. Awareness is all about developing our social “IQ!”
With the development of my social “IQ” I am also able to tell when someone is coming onto me. I can count at least eight people in my life that I was spending a considerable amount of time with that I had no idea that they liked me! One was a friend that I have had in my life for the past 28 years! He told me recently that he’s had a crush on me the whole time!
My first girlfriend I had, Kelly, I had no idea she liked me. We would talk on the phone for hours every night when I was in middle school. I just thought she wanted to be friends. I went to my first dance at a middle school, and another girl asked me out and I said yes. Then Kelly called me crying saying she liked me, so I broke up with the other girl and went out with Kelly. I was completely oblivious to this all throughout my adult life too! Lots of people, men and women, would come onto me and I couldn’t tell, but because of the awareness that I have gotten through meditation I have been able to see when people like me now, or when they are flirting with me. It is ridiculous to think that I could never tell in any way! Someone asked me out or tell me directly!
I feel like I am having less brain states because my mind is so much more tranquil and focused today. That neurological evaluation was about ten years ago. It is the year 2025 today and I started the daily meditation about the same time I had the neuro-psych evaluation at UCSF. I am developing impulse control, which happens with my daily practice. I am really not having too many seizures these days either. I can read and pay attention to anything, so my ADHD isn’t the issue it once was. My hypomania subsides when I am mindful of it too. I can calm myself down. I am understanding how to be social and have manners. Today I have, at times, been able to get to that state of complete emptiness by dropping all my thoughts! It is still difficult, but I focus gently on the words: “I Am” remembering to never struggle; making sure all my muscles are relaxed at the same time. As I stated, it is not about immediate gratification. It is a slow patient daily improvement that I practice, and that anyone, no matter who they are, if they struggle with mental illness or not, will find impossible when they begin, but to drop their minds completely and just get into their True Self: Consciousness is where the rewards come!
So, if you are looking to make a difference in the way you live your life, or the way you look at the world. If you are wanting happiness, no matter what is going on in the world, then do not just settle with medicine. Try the Eastern approach to life and combine it with western medicine because Vedanta is extremely compatible with Western Science. Vedanta is just like science. It uses no blind faith! None! The Rgveda is the one ancient document that nothing in modern science has disproven. Just realize that the mind is nothing but imagination, and realize thoughts only have power over your brain states and emotions if you take them as true. Those are the concepts of Vedanta: your reality is nothing but what you perceive and your mind is nothing but imagination, that Ananda, or bliss, is within you, and what you are at your core at is nothing but Consciousness. I have gotten in touch with Ananda by clearing out all the thoughts, or vasanas, from my mind a couple of times. I am just working on being in that state of mind every minute of every day now.
I was talking to a gentleman I am friends with who is a high functioning autistic of the classic form. Anyone can tell just by talking to him he is autistic, but so many more people are getting diagnosed with autism now because lots of doctors are seeing that ADD and ADHD are just middle forms. I was unable to get an appointment at UCSF last year with the autism department because so many people are being diagnosed with it now. This gentleman I was talking to was unable to smile because of his brain did not have the capacity to. I have seen this man laugh at certain times, so I do not believe that is completely true, but I was encouraging him to look in the mirror and think happy thoughts to and try to practice smiling daily. Smiling, unless something made me laugh, was something I had been incapable of too. My wife taught me how to practice it. She said just think of something that you said that was funny to someone and smile. I practice that today. Just like I practice doing things with my left hand and left leg that I have never done before because I am always trying to exercise my mind. I make a conscious effort to exercise all parts of my brain.
This gentleman with autism did not seem to understand why I was saying this, and I was not able to explain it to him in a way that would get him to practice it daily, but my hope was for him to practice developing his brain like I have with mine through Eastern based practices. I have hopes for all that they can improve their cognition through awareness and daily exercises of the mind, but for anyone to change for the better they need awareness, and that is why I recommend single pointed concentration meditation: Trataka! Anyone, anyone at all! Just focus on the only thing any of us truly know: “I Am,” empty your mind of all other thoughts, then gently try to let go of the “I Am” and seep into all that you truly are: Consciousness!
