OVERCOMING PTSD AND ANXIETY/ Thoughts Aren’t Facts, They Are Just Imagination

        

Buy the whole book The Shadowed Soul with a chapter on how I’ve overcome ADHD, Dyslexia, Suicidal Depression, PSTD and Anxiety, Schizophrenia and Bipolar, Epilepsy and Autism, Brain Damage and Digital Dementia and the Retardation of Thoughts in the link below:

Here’s a link of of me explaining anxiety and depression on Self Reflection Podcast

CHAPTER 6:

OVERCOMING PTSD AND ANXIETY: THOUGHTS AREN’T FACTS, THEY ARE JUST IMAGINATION

           There is a saying in recovery circles of all kinds that “feelings aren’t facts.” Well, they aren’t, but that is not how I would approach the urges that control my actions. To me it is the thoughts that are not facts. Thoughts by their very nature are meant to interpret a limited empirical reality (Maya). As a rational animal, humans are blessed with a higher level of cognition. The problem is most people take what they think and perceive as facts, when, just like animals, all anyone’s thoughts are, are nothing but imagination.

           What all life desires to survive in this empirical world (Maya) is some level of certainty. This desire for certainty was instilled in us through Mother Nature with the tool of fear. The instinct of fear is to let us know when we are in trouble. The problem is, is that in this Maya (empirical world) there is nothing but uncertainty. Look at the news. There are people going to the mall and getting killed in America by gun violence all the time. Insane and disturbed individuals are just shooting up innocent people in random acts of violence in the United States of America. This gun violence is even happening to children in schools. Gun violence is now the number one cause of deaths of children in America, and because it happens so frequently, these acts of slaughtering children, are no longer the only news story for any particular night! It is disgusting how common it happens! Sudden death by a random gun shooter could happen to anyone in America from just deciding to go to a public place to have a good time or, like I do to, study; therefore, none of us truly knows what is going to happen next: be it either good or bad!

Having this craving for certainty in an uncertain world is clearly where fear and anxiety come from within anyone’s psyche. Lots of people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks because of traumatic experiences they have had in their life. These traumatic events bring about a chemical imbalance in their brains. It is important to note that physical experiences people have alter the chemicals in their brains and cause such things as PTSD, anxiety, and depression. In fact, all mental illness is proven to be caused by two things beyond someone’s control: genetics and circumstances, especially in early life, but if you have a problem with anxiety, or even PTSD, like I did, try exploring Eastern Meditation. You can get over by panic attacks without chemical treatments: medications. Lots of medications do not work for people too, just like most medications did not for me. If a medication works, then use it. I have used both meditation and medication together for years. I am still on my epilepsy medications and my antipsychotics. I will most likely never get off those medications completely. This book is all in favor of science, but meditation is what worked best for me over long periods of time when it came to my anxiety. This chapter is how I got over my panic attacks and off anxiety medications. Anxiety medications are also known to be some of the most addictive medications there are when it comes to the benzodiazepines. I don’t recommend those medications to use for anyone for any other reason then emergency use.  

First, we all need to have a good understanding what truly controls us, which I pointed out in my equation of thinking and human behavior in The Power of Inaction: ((T>B)>F)>A, or I consciously put my thinking before my neurological brain states in single pointed concentration meditation (Trataka), then the brain state leads to the feels, and it is how we all feel about what we think that controls our actions. I will continue to stress that without meditation this is not possible to be completely aware of everything you are thinking either. We need to be able to consciously put our thoughts before our brain states, because I agree with Freud and the Vedas: we are rational animals that seek pleasure and avoid pain, and we don’t pay attention to 90% of what we think. In order to look at the other 90% of our thinking, we need a daily practice of meditation, which is why I do Trataka for forty-five minutes each day without exception!

           As I showed you in The Power of Inaction and Pseudo-Law and Pseudo-Morals, the power of choice is more of a necessary illusion for all of us to live by, but if you truly want to see what controls you, sit in silence and try and keep your mind focused on the only thought (T) you truly know: “I am.” Try to not let any other thought in your mind rise, and when they do just empty them out with the words: “who cares?”. It will show you how truly powerless you are because when you first start this daily mental exercise, your mind will constantly go all over the place. You will realize in a short amount of time how little control you truly have. Especially if you have attention issues like ADHD and autism like I do.

What most people take as free will is the accepted premise that we all need to be held accountable for our actions. It is impossible to hold people accountable for their actions if we don’t live by the power of choice. Holding ourselves accountable is the only way we can be shaped by our consequences to be the best possible person we can be. It gets us to respond to the pain we go through in our daily circumstances much better. Without being held responsible everything in our lives falls apart. The only thing the concept of “choice” really applies to is our egos. If there is some type of “choice,” it would be for each of us to see our thoughts (T) clearly and disregard them if they cause us or another harm (~T). We need to be able to disregard the bad thoughts (~T) because it is how we feel (F) about what we think (T) that controls our actions: ((T>B)>F)>A. We all have bad thoughts all the time. Just realize that no one does anything except what they think is the best option at that very moment whatever it may be. This is why everything is determined. So, we all have the same two problems: ignorance and understanding. We all think we are much more powerful than we truly are, and the amazing thing is, the only true freedom I have ever gotten from my fears is to acknowledge that “choice” is nothing but a necessary illusion to live by, and that no matter what, in the end, everything is just the way it is supposed to be because this Maya (empirical world) is nothing but my perfect teacher. The purpose of all life is to learn. In the end I am fine either way if my point and purpose in this life is to learn and be a better person. Learning throughout my life is what has given me purpose and makes every struggle I go through and overcome worthwhile. That is the Law of Karma: to learn through our consequences by responding to our pleasure and pain appropriately acknowledging the paradox of free will and determinism.

           In silent meditation all my thoughts were shown to me. Everything that controlled me was shown to me. Today I am always aware of what I am thinking. I realized when I first started to meditate that all my thoughts were fear based. Once I had the awareness that it was only fear that I was living out of, I was able to ask myself: do I want to live out of fear, or do I want to live out of love? The answer with a sound mind is always love. The problem is we can all lack clarity in the moment, especially someone like me, who had been neurologically tested to have zero impulse control.

Ignorance is the only true evil from what I have seen and what has been shown to me through the greatest philosophers in history such as Socrates, Pseudo-Dionysius, and Nisargadatta Maharaj. It is why pride is the greatest of all sins. Pride tells me I am right when I am just ignorant and I truly do not understand. To get the right answers to life, and to live in peace, we need to admit when we do not know. That is hard for anyone. Pride is what causes all the conflict, difficulty, and chaos between us. Even after I admitted “I do not know,” I still find myself loving to argue with anyone about my points of view and what I perceive to be right. That is why acknowledging my hypocrisy has been the greatest tool. We are all constant hypocrites because we all have so much in common. All of humanity is just a reflection of each other.

           I was someone who had extreme panic attacks at one time. When I first got sober, because of all the drugs I did, the seizures, and my traumatic life experiences, what would happen was from out of nowhere my pulse would start thumping, my hands and body would be shaking and sweating, and my face would go completely electrically numb! I did not know why, but I felt, for some unknown reason, the world was coming to an end!

I have dealt with the aspects of almost every mental illness there is with my organic brain disorder, but nothing! absolutely nothing! was worse than a panic attack! I would be calling 911 every single time when I first started having them! Most of the medications they gave me for them did absolutely nothing too! My tolerances to benzothiazines was too high. They did nothing for me, and if anyone can get over their anxiety without Benzodiazepines, I would recommend it. One of the times I tried to kill myself I swallowed 30 Klonopin and it didn’t even affect me. I knew that if someone takes enough of any benzos, they can stop breathing, and I thought it would be a peaceful way to go, but I didn’t even feel it! So, they did nothing for my anxiety! And I had lots of that!

Valium, Ativan, Klonopin, and Versed are some of the typical Benzodiazepines doctors use. Benzodiazepines are considered some of the most physically addictive and habit-forming medications there are. In my first book, A Vicious Cycle, is all about a girl who I was in a relationship with who scored all those kinds of drugs from doctors in emergency rooms. Doctors all think they are doing the right thing when they are prescribing them to someone too, but they cause all kinds of addiction issues. That girl in A Vicious Cycle was on a federal list where, if you typed her name into their computer, it would tell them not to give her any drugs, and I still saw doctors give her those drugs! Those drugs are extremely habit forming.

Trying to focus my thoughts for forty-five minutes every day has also shown me how to always be aware of what I am thinking. To be able to look at my whole mind any time I want to is an amazing gift. Meditation is what got me off the medications they gave me for anxiety. The ones that worked for my anxiety were blood pressure medications like Propranolol and Clonidine. I have seen them work for lots of other people too. They do not give a euphoric high that any Benzodiazepine does and are nonaddictive. I would recommend those blood pressure medications for any doctor to prescribe, way before they try any Benzodiazepine.

When I first started having panic attacks, I was completely oblivious to what I was thinking. I have noticed sitting in silence how ridiculous lots of my thoughts are, and how so much of it just needs to be neglected: (~T). Most of my thoughts are not important in any way. They were ridiculous and caused nothing but chaos.

Growing up in a very abusive alcoholic household with physical, sexual, and verbal abuse is what got a lot of my thinking on the wrong track. When I got to the age of thirteen, I snapped because the man I was terrified of had left. I spent my 14^th birthday in a psych ward for a whole month. If I was awake in that psych-ward I was in tears. I had no ability to talk to anyone for a whole month. I was just crying. They discharged me without any recommendations, so no one knew what to do with me.

After the psych-ward, I got shipped to Discovery Academy, which was a detentionary boarding school. Discovery Academy is where my thinking became even more chaotic. My behavior was nothing but defiance and chaos for years because of my early childhood and then Discovery Academy magnified my Oppositional Defiance Disorder severely. I also ending up getting addicted to lots of different street drugs and alcohol once I left Discovery Academy. Those drugs made my seizures much, much worse, along with the messing up my brain chemistry even more.

Seizures will also make the chemicals in anyone’s brain go crazy on their own, and I was using lots of street drugs and alcohol. All of this messed up my brain a lot. With all of these uncontrollable circumstances, I still believe in the neuroplasticity of the human brain. This was shown to me with time and effort, that we can all improve our realities through daily mental exercises and work on controlling our brain states and disorders through controlling our thinking: (T>B). It takes a conscious effort to put your thinking before your brain states. By addressing the brain states (B) through thinking (T), I believe we can rewire neurons and neuropathways to feel (F) better, which will improve our actions: (A). This rationalization of feelings only happens through understanding and awareness. That is what silent meditation (Trataka) has done for me. Meditation gets anyone to focus and cultivate the greatest virtue: awareness. Nothing changes for the better without awareness. 

In the Rgveda it says:

“The true self itself is the pure consciousness. That which cannot be known in any way, and the same True Self Pure Consciousness, is not different from the Ultimate Principal Brahman. Brahman is the only Reality. Since it is untinged by difference, the mark of ignorance, and the One Thing that cannot be improved upon.”

At our core this what we all are. A Perfect Loving God Consciousness. This is something that anyone can get in touch with. This is what emptying the mind and only focusing on “I Am” can do for us all. It gets us in contact with what we truly are: Pure Loving God Consciousness. In Vedanta if you can see it, touch it, taste it, smell it, or hear it, it isn’t you! That is why I just disregard my imagination (~T) daily with the words “who cares?”.

           The God within me is the same as the God within you, and the same God Consciousness within us All. The Self in me is the Self in you and everyone and everything else. The only way for any of us to get in contact with this God Consciousness is to empty our minds completely and see our thoughts as nothing but imagination. When I empty my thoughts, I am neglecting them: (~T). So, it is not that feelings are not fact, it is that thoughts are not fact, and when you have the clarity that just because you think something traumatic, it doesn’t it need to control you for the rest of your life. Because what we are all thinking is nothing but imagination. We can move forward by letting go of the past and neglecting each thought that arises because “suffering is the price we pay for not letting go” as Nisargadatta Maharaj said.

When these feelings of anxiety rise now when I am at work, I just see them for what they were: nothing! I just say to myself “who cares?” and it is important to stress that I make a conscious gentle shift in my thinking by neglecting the ridiculous imagination (~T) and shifting my thoughts (T) to the productive work in front of me. I let go of the anxiety as soon as I feel the slightest amount of it and it vanishes! Today, I can refocus on whatever I want.

In the past, when I was having a panic attack, I was barely aware of what I was thinking! But one thought would trigger a different thought, and I found myself spinning out of control because I had no control to being with! All my panic attacks are gone today! I don’t even use anxiety medications anymore!

One of the most amazing things I realized in silent meditation is that my mind was always going to what I thought other people were thinking of me. Fear of people was by far my biggest problem. We all have this fear of people to some degree. I have proven this because I have never met anyone I could not make angry from what I said to them. It was something I always took as a gift, being able to feel superior to anyone in the moment, but it has been my biggest problem my whole life. To insult anyone in an extremely creative way was how I protected myself at Discovery Academy. That is what my first book: A Vicious Cycle, was about trying to overcome. I show in A Vicious Cycle how I could upset any stranger with what I said to them. Why would any care what I thought when they did not even know me in any way? We all care what other people think, and we have all done this to a point that is unhealthy in our lives. The fact that we all get this amazing sense of self on what we think others think of us and how we fit into the world around us is quite a ridiculous trait if you think about it in those terms. This false sense of self can be psychotic human behavior.

We all want to feel important. Lots of us get that sense of self-importance on how we compare to other people, and some of us take that fear of people to the point where it causes us delusions and anxiety. We all need to realize that none of us can even prove other people have minds let alone what they are thinking. This is something I prove in my chapter on schizophrenia later in this book, but the point is to let all anxious and trouble causing thoughts go: (~T) “who cares?”, or Vairagya (dispassion). Negate your thinking daily (~T) in single pointed concentration meditation: Trataka. Realize, your thoughts are only important if you say they are. Most of what we think are just repetitious conflicts that we have never let go of. Our thoughts are only important if our minds tell us they are, so practice letting each one go, no matter if it is or is not important, every single day in silent meditation. It is a mental exercise that you can use throughout your day when you perfect it! You will see everything that is important to you and that controls you if you just try to keep your mind focused on the only thing any of us can truly know: “I am.”

The best speaker I ever heard in a Twelve-Step meeting was a lady who had breast cancer. She just had a double mastectomy, and the one thing she said over and over, is “there are no big deals” which goes very well with “who cares?”. A wonderful song which has the same premise as “who cares?”, but says it in a much gentler way, is Let It Be by the Beatles. Sure, things are important, but there is nothing worth losing our serenity over. Just let all your worries go and shift your thinking. You can only do this if you train your brain daily through Trataka. Trataka is about having complete control over your mind.

           By sitting in silent meditation, I have gotten so much clarity and awareness. I have been able to sift through the chaos of my mind and get in touch with the Perfection within me. That Perfection is within us all. Sat-Chit-Ananda is Being-Consciousness-Bliss in Sanskrit, and that happiness is at all our core. We live in an empirical world of duality. So, with every joyful experience there is pain that can go with that, but the Ananda, or bliss, within is the One Happiness that has no opposite. This happiness can be experienced at any time, and that is who we all are at our core. If you want a God which is provable; that can give you peace, then look to the God of the Rgveda. That God is within us all, and with a daily practice of meditation you can get in contact with It. You will have all kinds of clarity by sitting in silence. Clarity like “you are perfect the way you are,” because God created you this way for a reason, and we are all just here to learn through the consequences of our Karma. Acknowledge the paradox that you are perfect the way you are, and there is always room for improvement. You will realize fear is just fear, and as I showed you fear is nothing but the urge to protect someone or something, so the root of fear is nothing but love. That love is the driving force of life within us all. It just gets misdirected through our misunderstanding. We can experience the Sat-Chit-Ananda within us, at any time of the day, having no need to panic in anyway, because we can be completely in control of the imagination our minds are made of.

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